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Charlie Pierce on all this ESPN nonsense and newspapering and what not is so fantastic and I’m bitter we didn’t run it. Go check it out. [SI].

Why Your Team Sucks 2. Miami Dolphins. Some people are fans of the Miami Dolphins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Miami Dolphins. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAYour 2.

You guys made the playoffs! Can you believe that? Man, I had completely forgotten about that. Real shock to scroll through the top of the draft order and NOT see this team there. Let’s see what went down once they reached the postseason… JESUS H.

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CHRIST! Dat’s gotta hoit! Anyway, that’s placebo QB Matt Moore, who was subbing for nominal starter Ryan Tannehill after Tannehill tore his ACL. As you know already, Tannehill tore that same ligament in a new place during the preseason and is already gone for the rest of 2. Between Tannehill’s injuries and Moore having his brain atomized, the Dolphins are arguably much crueler to their own quarterbacks than they are to those of the opposition. Your coach: Oh look, it’s offensive guru and “Guy who got a job in the SNL writer’s room because Dad is a billionaire” Adam Gase! Honeymoon’s over, Gasey! You may have coasted into second place last year thanks to second helpings of the Jets and Bills, but now your QB is gone and you had to go begging and pleading for this… Your quarterback: HE’S BACK!

But I’m using my whole ass!” Yes, Miami, time for you to drink in the full Jay Cutler experience. Watch in wonder as he takes five minutes to get from the sideline to the huddle! Watch Renegades Online Fandango. Gaze in awe as he throws the ball at the turf the second he senses his pass protection has broken down! Marvel at his furious need to be intercepted! It’s all yours for six weeks before he goes down with a vague injury to his pointing finger and stays home to collect checks. Make sure your children are vaccinated for mumps and rubella!

Here’s a man who has publicly admitted he’s in lousy shape and only took the job because his wife made him do it. This is why it’s breathtakingly naïve to assume that Gase can magically conjure the Cutler of 2.

AND his TDs, by the way) and had the best passer rating of his career. If you’re a Dolphins fan who is currently in denial—and really, denial tends to be your resting state—you can look at Cutler’s career numbers and Tannehill’s numbers and note that there’s very little dropoff, if any, between the two. Cutler is Tannehill! Tannehill is Cutler! THAT’S NOT ENCOURAGING. It’s not encouraging when the dude who’s supposed to be your franchise QB can’t post better numbers than the fat naked guy this team had to pull off the street to replace him.

It’s not encouraging when Tannehill has all the pocket awareness of a man stricken blind 1. Look at the Dolphins before they were in supposed crisis mode: Cutler isn’t the only reason you are fucked, people. He’s merely a symptom of a greater disease, a disease to which he has not been immunized.

What’s new that sucks: Uhhhh, Jarvis Landry is being investigated for battery, so that’s fun. Then he tweeted about the preseason being bullshit, and then there was this: I feel like Dolphins PR purposely leaked that Dolphins PR didn’t force Landry to shut up about his tweet because Dolphins PR DID force Landry to shut up about his tweet. Jordon Cameron retired before he could suffer his 9. The team also brought in aging linebacker Lawrence Timmons and tight end Julius Thomas, whose career trajectory after leaving Peyton Manning is a steeper drop than El Capitan. Laremy Tunsil apparently doesn’t know how to exit a shower correctly.

Here’s a dead Dolphin: What has always sucked: Ndamukong Suh cannot stop kicking people. It really is amazing. He has all the self- control of the President, and he’s gonna get another $1. Burfict- ing everyone this season. There’s no way that Miami pays to keep Suh around after this season, so I look forward to him not only burning every last bridge in Miami this season, but also stomping on the ashes when he thinks no one is looking. Also, Jay Ajayi is gonna suck this year. I know it. I can feel it in my loins.

No good Dolphins back stays good. After one good year, all of them transform into late- career Bernie Parmalee. As for this team’s fans… is anyone intimidated by a Dolphins fan, ever? Look at this group of tubby boat captains get into a fight in the stands.

Every NFL Sunday, every sports bar on Earth has exactly one Dolphins fan sitting in it, wearing a Marino jersey, looking around for other Miami fans like he’s been frozen out at the school cafeteria. They are the two- dollar bill of the sports bar crowd. Lemme tell you something, sad Dolphins fan at the bar: No one else is coming. It’s just you. You get to watch Cutler wing it to the Gatorade cooler on third- and- 1. Stephen Ross is America’s most pathetic social climber. That one Hootie song is god awful. Did you know? The Dolphins’ most famous thing in the last 2.

Ace Ventura. For everyone around my age, that is basically the only remotely positive connotation the Dolphins have. By the way, this team DID have a live Dolphin mascot in a stadium fish tank back in the 1.

What a bunch of cheap shitbags. I DEMAND REAL DOLPHINS AND I DEMAND THEY KICK FIELD GOALS WITH THEIR LITTLE DOLPHIN FLIPPERS. Tell me attendance doesn’t triple if that happens. WHO SAYS NO? What might not suck: Honestly? Cutler’s got a quality butt. I’d be proud to have that butt. HEAR IT FROM DOLPHINS FANS!

Matt: Jay Cutler. Chris: I’ve been begging for the release/disappearance of Tannehill for years and boy did that become the biggest monkey paw wish in history. Albert: “Jay Cutler had his best season under offensive co- ordinator Adam Gase”**Looks up 2. Chicago Bears. 6- 1. NFC North.**Looks up how the Dolphins did following last playoff appearance (2. AFC East. Looking forward to it.

Tyler: A month ago I would have said it’s because Ryan Tannehill was somehow approaching his fourth straight “make or break” season, which made no sense. Maybe would have added a joke about how Tannehill couldn’t even fully tear his ACL.

Ha ha ha! Except.. Now I would seriously give anything to go back to that situation. Eric: The Dolphins suck because somehow I consider beating the Jets and going 1- 1 against the Bills a successful season.

Chris: One time I called Randy Mc. Michael “Chris Chambers” to his face by accident, so I’m probably a racist. David: We took John Beck, Chad Henne, and Pat White in consecutive drafts.